I have a confession to make. I am about at the point where I usually give up.
I have started blogs before. I started a gadget review blog about 5 years ago, a poetry one before that, and of course I have started this one twice before, once in 2009 and once in 2011.
I think it’s fear that does it, fear and the pressure (percieved pressure) of having to keep going. I tend to think :
I have a few followers now. How can I possibly keep writing what they want to read? How can I think of new things to write about? Won’t they get bored of my drivel?
Of course, in my more lucid brain I know that these are things that every new blogger fears. The trouble is that feelings such as these are tasty nibbles for the Black Dog. Depression feeds on these doubts and fears. It magnifies them and amplifies them so that they grow out of all proportion and before you know it a molehill has indeed become a mountain. I just give up. It is easier to live with the self loathing that walking away from something generates, after all, it’s a part of living with this condition anyway so it’s not an unknown feeling.
THIS TIME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT!!
I feel like actually shouting this out loud. I am absolutely determined that this time I am going to keep going. I started this blog mainly as therapy for me, and it is working. I am finding it really useful to be able to pour out onto the ‘page’ my thoughts and revelations about my condition and other things that seem to fit, like my writing. The fact that others seem to like it and want to read it is to a degree secondary.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful and I am humbled by the interest, but if only do it for you the reader then I think I would stop like I have before. The big difference this time is that I am feeling like it is making a difference to me, and I want to continue that feeling.
Another big difference is that I am now on some medication that is working for me (I have been for just over a year now, I will talk about it at some point on here) and I have a wonderful understanding partner who knows what living with depression is like so she understands.
So yeah, that was a bit self indulgant. Sorry about that! Normal service will be resumed 🙂