I am but an ear
in a field of corn.
Identical we stand;
All in unison,
to the scythe
I am but an ear
in a field of corn.
Identical we stand;
All in unison,
to the scythe
I have mentioned before that I am amazingly lucky to have a really understanding partner, who has had her own struggles with depression too so she knows where I am coming from a lot of the time. She is, among other things one of my main muses, especially for my more positive writing. This year I wrote a short piece to put in her Valentine’s card, and I though I would share it.
You are the very paragon of light,
when all I want is darkness in my eyes.
You are the shining light of honest truth,
when all I want is bare-faced stinking lies.
You are the blinding power of the sun,
when I have lost myself in darkest night.
You are the life that nestles in the air,
when I deny the breath that is my right.
I do not always know what’s best for me,
even when I think I know it all.
You must feel that I’m a lock without a key,
and still you keep on coming back for more.
Your heart beats always strong with love and care
Your soul will stand the trying tests of time
I love you almost more than I can bear
And can’t believe my fortune; you are mine.
Well, I didn’t get the job.
I did however get some glowing feedback from the interviewers which was very encouraging.
It has been a trying few weeks full of challenges. My girlfriends mother was rushed into hospital last weekend. She is a lifelong smoker and we all feared the “big C” but thankfully it wasn’t and she is back at home.
I have mentioned that i am a step-father. My step-daughter’s father is still a part of her life through visits every other weekend at which she stays over at his house. Unfortunately he has just had the house repossessed, which in itself isn’t our problem, but as my girlfriend is still party to the mortgage, it raises some interesting questions of liability.
Added to this, I have a serious breakout of Lichen Planus to deal with, which is aggravated by stress…
Oh yeah, and the house that we live in (rent) is now up for sale by the owner. Thankfully nothing is selling at the moment, and it is rediculously overpriced so we are hopful that we will have a while to save up to move.
So yeah, it’s all a bit interesting.
Positive stuff :
I am writing a lot. Not on here, obviously, for which I am giving myself a thorough kick up the rear-end. I have been writing a lot of poetry, and getting more and more confidant in the results. I am seriously thinking of self publishing something in the next few months, so watch this space.
I am also (obviously) back here on the blog. I am going to keep up to date with the bloggers that I have lost touch with, and re-establish this blog with a couple of posts a week, just like it was in December.
Bear with me, it’s all coming together slowly!
One of my cardinal rules is “never apologise for the absence of posts. But with every rule, it is of course perfectly fine to break it every now and then. I’m sorry it’s been a while.
I haven’t posted since just before Christmas, the longest that I have gone without posting since I started this blog up again last year. The main reason for that is I am just coming out of quite a long low period. It’s a truism that depression strikes more often over the holidays, and the last month has very much followed that theme. Thankfully I am now feeling well enough to write again, and I want the first thing that I write to be an exorcism of the last month!
It’s been a month of good and bad if I am completely honest, now that I am able to look back objectively. Christmas is usually my absolute favourite time of the year. I am in no way religious, but Christmas has come to mean happy times with family, a nice break from work, and seeing the smiles on people’s faces when they open a completely unexpected present. It wasn’t the best start to the day when I woke at 2am and had to rush to the bathroom to be rather ill… It turns out that upping my dose of Metformin (Type 2 Diabetes treatment) on the same day as having a large curry for Christmas Eve dinner had a nasty effect on my tummy! I spent most of the day curled up on the sofa feeling very sorry for myself. My girlfriend took our daughter to see the grandparents as we had agreed we would, and I watched Stargate Atlantis and sipped water.
Luckily that only lasted a couple of days and I was able to enjoy the rest of my time off in a more or less normal fashion. We still have loads of chocolates and other Christmas treats in the kitchen because we just didn’t feel like eating them.
All too soon the holiday was over and I was back at work. In fact work started at about 9am on New Year’s Day as I wanted to get a bit of a head start on the coming week. One of my biggest jobs at work is to prepare the monthly performance reports for about 16 divisions of the group I work for. It takes a while, and is to tight deadlines so any time I can get a bit of a head start I try and take it. We don’t really do New Year’s so I wasn’t hung over or anything.
That really helped and I threw myself back into work the next day. The week went fine, but I was starting to get a little stressed because I knew that in the next few weeks I had an interview coming up. It was an important one too, a massive step up within the company. If I get the job it will be about a 50% pay rise plus a company car, so yeah, quite important…
I spent a fair bit of the weekend at work working on my presentation (Show how you have demonstrated Strategic Leadership, Change Management, and Commercial Acumen in your career to date) and was pretty happy with it. I gave a demo of it to our head of training and she immediately said I had at least double the number of slides I needed. This was the day before the interview. The rest of the day and a lot of the evening was spent pruning it down and I have to say she was absolutely right. I went from 30 slides to 12.
The interview went well. I found out that I was one of only 3 applicants, so that’s a good place to start from at least. I am still waiting to hear whether I have got it, and the stress from that waiting has contributed to my lapse in a lot of ways I think.
I have been a nightmare to live with for the last couple of weeks. All I have been able to think about has been escaping, usually to the office and Skyrim on the PC. Nothing is as escapist as a really well written RPG. I basically have been wanting to skip the part of my life before finding out if I have the job and go straight to either excitement about the future, or disappointment and getting on with my life. I don’t cope well with waiting, I can deal with anything, but not knowing is the worst thing of all to me. I have been uncommunicative, sullen, withdrawn. Basically depressed. It hasn’t helped that a few days I forgot my medication (Sertraline) which has a pretty major effect as I have been on it a couple of years now, and coming off it suddenly is a really bad idea when it has been in your system that long.
Amazingly, I have a wonderful partner who is with me through all of the good and the bad, and she has been my rock even when I haven’t been able to thank her for it. I don’t know what I would do without her.
I should know about the job in the first couple of days next week. I will post on here either way.
So there we are, I am able to write again and wanting to get back into it as much as ever. I hope you all had a great Christmas and are looking forward to the new year. I am sure we will share some stories along the weay, some laughs maybe, and learn a lot together.
See you soon.
I would never have thought that I would still be developing as a person when I was almost 40. Yet here I am, writing a post on a blog that I didn’t think I could manage to keep going, about how I have changed in just the last month or so.
I started writing on here again about 6 weeks ago I think, after an absence of several years. I hoped that I would be able to post once a week or so maybe, and that it would help me get my thoughts in some sort of order. It has done so much more than that.
After sharing my thoughts and feelings on here I am finding that I am understanding myself quite a bit better than I was before. Being able to explore then on the page makes you think much more closely about the subject in question, which naturally increases your understanding and allowed you to develop. I feel like I am a better person for blogging 🙂
I have also touched the lives of several people who now follow what I write and occasionally comment, starting really interesting conversations. These are people from all over the world, from Canada to Singapore and Europe. I would never have heard of them let alone be able to exchange ideas with then if not for this blog.
My writing has taken off too. I don’t mean in a commercial sense, although that would be nice one day, but I am writing most days. I have joined a wonderful vibrant community over at The Poetry Forum (www.Thepoetryforum.co.uk) where I post my writing under my pen name of Robert Fox. I have received a very positive reaction to pretty much all of my pretty which has encouraged me to write even more. I would never have had the guts to do that if not course this blog and the people who read it though. By
So as far add my writing, my confidence in my writing, and my overall self understanding are concerned, I need to say a massive thank you to everyone who read this, Anna also to there great people at WordPress for providing the medium.
I how everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and a very safe and happy new year.
Set you in 2013 or before. 🙂
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