Anyone who has read this blog for a while will know that this is going to be a tricky one. Helplessness is one of the primary presenting feelings for those who suffer with depression. It’s a black hole that sucks you in with quite incredible strength and tenacity.
The last time I felt helpless was….pretty much every day at some point.
If I have a disagreement with my partner I quite often end up in that fugue state between being awake and being asleep where I stare at a wall, or out of the window without really seeing what I am looking at. Helplessness hits me then. It feels like there is nothing I can do to improve anything, like I am trapped in my life, in my head and nothing will get me out. It’s during these times that I often think about how it would feel to be falling from a high building, how it would feel to have a noose tight around my throat, how it would feel to pick the sharpest knife in the drawer and slide it lengthways (not across) my wrist.
So yeah, helplessness is something that I have a regular fight with.
Thankfully this blog helps a little. Being able to write the paragraph above is a huge thing for me, I have no idea if anyone will read it, and even less idea what they will think. If they think I am pathetic, fine. If they think I am trying to get attention, that’s fine too, because it’s not about what other people think.
Thank you 🙂